So lots of people have commented to me personally that my posts are very depressing. This doesn’t mean funny stuff doesn’t happen at the clinic or in my life. It does. Quite often as a matter of fact. But most of the funny stuff has a less deep meaning for me than the things that make me angry or cry or want to kill someone for their treatment of an animal. In lieu of that, I thought I would post some of the funny shit that we get on the phone….. and later, I”ll try to remember to post the funny stuff that happens inside the walls of the Animal ER. Here goes…..

Phone calls:

“I need to report an aggressive pigeon.”

“I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand….”

“There is an aggressive pigeon outside my apartment door, flapping its wings at me. I can’t get in. I need you to send your *mobile unit* to come get it.”

“Sir, I’m sorry, we don’t have a mobile unit, we are not legally allowed to leave the facility to pick up animals. That is what the humane officer is for. Have you tried calling the police?”

*There is hysterical laughter going on in another room as the rest of us listen to the muted call from an extension. I don’t remember the rest of the conversation exactly, but this guy was terrified of the pigeon. I’d have just walked up to it, punted it out of the way and gone in. But, he had called FOX news, the fire department, the police and the newspaper. He was waiting on the news to show up ….. We apologized for not being able to help him further and hung up. Then we laughed until we about peed ourselves.*


“My dog just ate a bunch of chocolate. I know that it causes heartworms… what can I do for my dog.?”

“ma’am, chocolate doesn’t cause heartworms, mosquitos do. Chocolate can kill a dog if they eat too much of it, but it does not cause heartworms.”

“Oh, it doesn’t?”

“no ma’am. It doesn’t. But the chocolate can still harm your dog and it should be treated for that.”

“oh, ok, thank you.” *click*


“My dog is pregnant but I need to know how long until she has her pups.”

“Dogs are pregnant about 63 days give or take 7-10 days. Do you know how many puppies she’s going to have? Are you going to have her x-rayed?”

“OH I know she’s going to have 6 puppies…. she’s only got 6 nipples.”



IN clinic stuff:

This was recently… and poor Leslie…. it was all she could do to keep a straight face. Here’s the set-up:

cat comes in with maggots all over it. (I think it was a cat) It’s bad. The pet is not going to make it with the most heroic of measures. The doctor on duty has tried to get the woman who brought it in to understand that putting it to sleep is the best thing for it. Bless the heart of the man who drove her in….. all he can come up with to convince her goes something like this…..

“She’s got the maggots….. you know that’s bad. They carry the Salmonella and that can kill you. Just let them put her to sleep. You don’t want the Salmonella…..”

With the most serious face she could muster, Leslie only nods her ascent to them both as the woman signs the permission slip. We put the animal down and they pay for the services, leave the building. Leslie goes outside with tears streaming down her face from holding back her laughter. Whether it was total ignorance on his part or a desperate attempt to get the woman to understand there was nothing else to be done, it worked.  For which I was glad.


A beautiful golden retriever is in the clinic for HGE (bloody diarrhea usually stress induced). He’s feeling better, hasn’t had a blow-out in a day and he really has to pee. He stands at the door of his run and barks once. Then he sits. He is a very well behaved patient. very sweet personality, doesn’t care about other dogs, cats, anything. Just a good natured dog. We are busy. No one can take him for a walk. He barks again. Then he stands up and looks at everyone as they scurry by with impatience. Finally, he can wait no longer. So he puts his front paws up on the door and PEES OUT THE DOOR onto the floor in front of the run. He’s so well house trained he wasn’t going in the run. period. below is a picture. You can’t really see what he’s doing, but that is what happened.Ok, fine..... I warned ya!

Later, I told his owner and she requested I email the picture to her, which I did. We both laughed about it.

So there are the ones I remember off hand. I’ll look through the work file tomorrow and see what else is triggered by the stuff we have put there. See… it’s not all sad. some of it in fact is quite entertaining. But as I said, those things which are difficult to deal with often hold a higher place because of the difficulty.


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